Burning Pubs, Sacred places and Vaginas

On the 3rd Day of Christmas my Aussie Daddy Bloggers gave to me… a story of vaginas – post pregnancy. You asked, we answer… in the Christmas spirit, a motley crew of Aussie Daddy Bloggers are answering questions from our (mostly mum) readers. For our third question I’ll be tackling how I feel about my partners nether regions after the birth of our daughter.

ADB small

The only image I could realistically use in this post

When I got together with the fellas from Aussie Daddy Bloggers and heard about their idea of asking Mums for posting ideas I thought …great. I expected a simple topic like “how was it changing your first nappy” – black, the pooh was black!!  or “what’s been your proudest moment as a Dad” – seeing miss 2.5 survive the death wobbles while riding one footed on her scooter or, the simple “What’s the best thing about being a Dad” – easy, cuddles… but no.

Instead I got a cracker from Kelly over at hand made tears and triumphs. Basically Kelly wanted to know what I thought about vaginas! And not just any vaginas, no Kelly wanted to know what I thought about vaginas that had been through child birth! My first thought was, there goes my opportunity to re-use anything I’ve already posted but on the plus side, it did give me the opportunity to hugely improve my blogs search rankings as I pepper this post with as many references to sex and vaginas as possible. Editors note – To Kelly’s credit, she’s a classy lass and didn’t actually say vagina (yip – there’s another reference).

So, did I view child birth’s affect on my wife’s nether regions in the same way that a someone would view their favourite pub burning down (cheers beers and bubs for that one) or did I see it more as a renovation? Did I have trouble getting my head around the fact that quite a round head came through an area that, in my experience, was far smaller than the circumference of a newborn’s skull or, did I look on in wonder at the female body’s amazing ability to cope with physical demands of child birth? Did childbirth increase my appreciation of the female form or induce a case of extreme eurotophobia (there’s a phobia for everything now).

Well for me child birth started at the head end, and finished with me scared shitless as my wife went into surgery resulting in a blue, wrinkly (illiterate) infant. In our case I didn’t manage to see a whole lot and to be honest I was more concerned with what I thought was a life and death situation (it never was, I was just an under-prepared, overly dramatic, about-to-be-new father). Feelings about my wife’s ‘sacred place’ (to borrow Kelly’s phrase) were secondary at that moment and remained so for the next three months as we tried to figure out how this crazy thing called a baby was supposed to work and when the hell, in all this baby raising you were supposed to sleep.

So what do I think about the area I once spent a whole pay packet trying to seduce post birth? Well I should start by saying that child birth is obviously designed by a guy because there is no way he would inflict those sorts of bodily changes on himself. If the fact that a normal female has to go through 9 months of nausea, emotional unpredictability, pain, discomfort, a thimble size bladder and no deli goods and alcohol doesn’t prove it then the phrase “well done, you’ve dilated 10 centimeters” must. This design-by-guy nature is also proven by the way (at least in the illiterate household) that even though the parts involved are put through the equivalent of a 10 car pile up, they seem to have the ability to panel beat themselves back to near new condition (I’m particularly proud of that euphemism).

So to answer your question Kelly – I’m pretty cool with the post labor condition of the aforementioned area. Yes it has a lot to do with me not actually seeing it do what it had to do but I also think, based on it’s post labor functioning and appearance (I see a pretty awkward father-in-law conversation coming) that, from my perspective I’m still willing to spend pay packets trying to get near it.

Thanks for checking in with Day 3 of the the inaugural Aussie Daddy Bloggers Advent Calendar post. If you haven’t already, check out the Aussie Daddy Bloggers  facebook page, like it, share it and let us know what you think.

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44 Responses to Burning Pubs, Sacred places and Vaginas

  1. Kelly HTandT says:

    That is indeed a euphemism to be proud of!
    Well played Kev, well played.

  2. Good question well answered!

  3. Caroline says:

    Good answer. Sounds very much like my husbands reply when I have posed said question to him.

  4. Chubba says:

    One of the great posts using the word vagina I have read.

  5. Our boy had to use the escape hatch to get out, so fortunately, he never had to ask the question, “Does my head look big in this?”

  6. mumabulous says:

    I’m amazed you did this post without the classic “throwing a sausage down the hallway” reference.
    Cheers Kevin.

  7. Pingback: Burning Pubs, Sacred places and Vaginas | the illiterate infant « The 40yr Old Dad

  8. Great blog Kev. Loving your work.
    Bucky (TackleNappy)

  9. Men should not particapate in child birth. It only makes the wife angry at the incompetant boob who helplessly stands by saying “good honey good now pant pant blow!” while her vigina turns inside out, The inside out turning of the vigina is a sight that is difficult to forget and does not make one’s mate seem extra desirable. Men should go to a bar, get drunk and smoke cigarettes. This concept of a birthing partner is responsible for the high rate of divorce in the world today.

    • Bruce Devereaux says:

      Naawh, the inside out vigina (or vagina) doesn’t cause divorces, it’s more the inverted penis. But don’t worry, I’m sure you can get a procedure for that :)

    • Kelly HTandT says:

      Hahaha cranky old man – a man by any other name would smell just as sweet? Not in your case! Too funny. Ah, the generation of men who thought their role was to drink and smoke, the women of today would quickly pull you in line Grandpa. You made that baby, you get in there and support her!

  10. Sarah Mac says:

    God, read the post title as ‘Burning Pubes’ and wondered what I was in for! Another great post to add to the collection.

  11. I totally did the random.org thing to match up everyone’s topics. I did wonder how this one was going to be tackled. You did great!

  12. melba says:

    Joysus! That was very gracefully negotiated KMo! brilliant metaphor.

  13. daddownunder says:

    Very nicely negotiated Kev! Nothing in there to warrant your wife will be imposing any form of nether-region ban.

  14. Zanni Arnot says:

    Brilliant post and reassuring. And guaranteed to get you a million hits through Google.

  15. Beck says:

    Great post :) you handled it with style and grace !!

  16. iSophie says:

    Great answer, that shouldn’t get you in too much trouble. ;)

    I look forward to hearing the search keywords that come up.

  17. EssentiallyJess says:

    Ha ha! Loved it! I think we women do tend to worry about that a lot! But seeing as you’re now expecting bub number two, it can’t be that terrible ;)

  18. Haha, excellent post and thanks to Kelly for suggesting it. Love your work x

  19. Couldn’t resist reading this! It’s what all us gals wanna know right?!?! I think he was very kind and supportive. What a smart husband! Although I’m sure his wifey has a very pretty ‘ginie…eeek… I dont think I should stop commenting NOW!

  20. Mandie says:

    You could have chosen to plead the 5th, but you ploughed ahead and tackled the topic nicely. Well handled!
    (I’m mildly disturbed that everything I write regarding this post sounds quite double entendre-ish… or is that just me?)

  21. lyndaaldal says:

    ohhh very well handled indeed!! #teamIBOT

  22. I love it, I hope that your blog search rankings improve with this tricky question. #IBOT

  23. Alicia says:

    Trust a man to take female bits and euphamise them into car repair. Well done on a great post Kevin, well tackled :)

  24. rhian @melbs says:

    Excellent answer! I reckon you will be up there in the Google rankings now. Very funny. Will be following you (to see where else in your blog you can insert the word vagina obviously! :-))

  25. Jayne says:

    May your stats go through the roof!

    It’s refreshing to see people willing to call a vagina a vagina and not some ridiculous made up name like hoo-ha :)

  26. a brilliant answer
    well done!
    i do wonder, how many men are actually at the business end of birth anyway??

  27. Tork says:

    great stuff man! A topic i dunno how I would have gone with. Looking forward to my turn!

  28. goodgollymissholly says:

    A problem will only ever arise should you find yourself NOT willing to spend pay packets trying to get near it. Yes? Yes! x

  29. Kim says:

    Beautifully handled! Almost elegant… Though I don’t think that ever really comes into the equation down there. I do remember at one point during labour saying ‘Ooooh look! I’m like a card! I have two heads!’ Classy, elegant. Two words that sum me up perfectly.

  30. I am sure I commented on this, I even used some more filthy words to contribute to your search rankings. Can’t remember what awesome witty thing I said last time so I’ll just leave you with sex, fucking, vag, hooch, vajayjay, and pickling the pork.

  31. Awesome post. Being a single mum from 14 weeks into my pregnancy no one other than the doctor got to see my vagina til three years post birth of my son. When the time finally came, I was scared like a virgin on her first night and relieved when it was done and over with, but nothing has really changed. Thank goodness.

    Very interesting to hear from the dad’s point of view. Cheers.

  32. Pingback: Caught my eye Friday – 2012 | the illiterate infant

  33. roshniaamom says:

    very well fielded!!

  34. Pingback: On the 2nd Day of Christmas my Aussie Dad Bloggers gave to me – Burning Pubs, Sacred places and Vaginas - Aussie Daddy Bloggers

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